Beaten
by Fulgour
Summary: Xander's thoughts about Buffy and Spike. Very Angsty. Slight B/X.


Distribution: Want, Take have. Just drop me a notifying Email 

Disclaimer: Despite what you may believe, I actually don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No, really, I'm not kidding. I know it's hard to believe. 

Summary: Just a sad little nothing after watching Buffy and Spike get it on. 

AN: I'm feeling really depressed after watching Buff and Spike with the whole 'sex in a collapsing building'. Deal. 

The lyrics are from Metallica's 'Fade to Black' 

Reviews: Please. This is a one off, but I'd like feedback. Feedback is the only payment fanfic authors get. 

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What has become of us? 

She thinks I don't know. Stupid Xander, always with the jokes, and stupid remarks. 

She thinks I don't notice when she goes to 'patrol', she always goes to get Spike first. Always comes back different. I followed her one night, ha, she's so out of it that I can follow her. I saw what she did... What they did. I don't know what I felt. Shocked? Betrayed? That doesn't even begin to cover it. All around her, the Scoobies are falling apart. Tara and Willow broke up, I don't think Buffy even noticed. Willow and Amy are on a power trip, she doesn't want to know. Dawn stealing stuff left right and centre, I bet she has no idea. Everything is going to hell, and nothing I do can stop it. Even my relationship with Anya has gone to hell, we're on a 'break' whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. And as soon as the contract on my apartment runs out, I'm packing up, and getting the hell out of here. By myself. Yeah, I can hear you, 'what's wrong? Giving up?' Your damn right I'm giving up, I'm Mr Normal here! No superpowers, no destiny, no reason. Except her. And she's gone, just as gone as when she was dead. The only reason I didn't get out of this god dammed town after graduation was her. I tried though, got in my car and tried to drive away. Pretty funny, huh? I couldn't even get two hundred miles away from Sunnydale when I stopped. I couldn't leave. Because of her, the impossible dream. When I got back, I made a fancy speech about her being my hero. Huh, too bad it was true. What happens when you hero falls off the pedestal? Not only falls off, but starts digging? 

_Life it seems, will fade away_

_ Drifting further every day _

_Getting lost within myself _

_Nothing matters no one else _

_I have lost the will to live _

_Simply nothing more to give _

_There is nothing more for me _

_Need the end to set me free_

I said once 'A guys gotta be dead to make time with you.' Kinda ironic, don't you think? Angel and Spike, collectively half of the Scourge of Europe, the most feared vampires of all time. Both fell for Buffy. And Buffy fell for them. I could understand with Angel, although I didn't like him, I respected him. He was actually a nice guy. It was what he was that made sure that we could never be friends. Spike though, I just don't understand. He's a fucking demon, nothing more, nothing less. I don't want to understand. I don't care, not anymore. I've had enough of all this bullshit that the Hellmouth has thrown at me, and I want out. Giles had the right idea. Cause I'm feeling that things can only get worse. I've survived and stopped my share of apocalypses, I've paid a debt to society, when it was society that owed me. And now I want out. I have enough money saved that I can get a plane ticket to pretty much anywhere on the western seaboard, and I've got the qualifications to take up construction anywhere I would go. Out of all the original Scoobies, who would have thought that I would emerge on top? When I leave this hell hole, and start a new life, I can make it. Without Buffy. Who would I be leaving behind? I don't even know Willow anymore. Tara and I were never close. Spike? I'm just disappointed I won't get to stake him. The only one I'll miss is Dawn. It's unfortunate, but I hear her father has finally contacted them. Maybe he can care for her, Buffy can't. 

_Things are not what they used to be _

_Missing one inside of me _

_Deathly lost, this can't be real _

_Cannot stand this hell I feel _

_Emptiness is filing me _

_To the point of agony _

_Growing darkness taking dawn _

_I was me, but now He's gone_

Well, I've got to go, my lease runs out in exactly... Seven hour, twenty three minutes. Goodbye Will, sorry things ended up this way. 

Bye Anya, I'm sorry I couldn't give myself to you fully, always after the impossible. Bye Tara, sorry things ended so badly for you, I hope they work out. 

Bye Dawnie, I'm sorry that I have to leave, I really do hope things get better for you. 

Bye Spike, see you in hell. 

Bye Buff... Sorry for bringing you back from heaven. I'm sorry you've fallen so far. I'm sorry I didn't stake Spike before this whole mess started. I'm sorry that I still love you. 

I fought five long years by your side, taking everything that came. 

Now I'm finished, I cannot fight anymore. I'm finally beaten. 

Goodbye Buffy Anne Summers, I hope I never see you again. 

Perhaps then I will finally have some peace. 

_No one but me can save myself, but it to late _

_Now I can't think, think why I should even try _

_Yesterday seems as though it never existed _

_Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye _

  



End file.
